Almost killed myself 4 times this weekend. I haven’t eaten anything since Friday, & have lost 25 lbs since then. And now painful bruises to show for it. When did I lose my light? When did the life I was happy & content with not become enough any longer? Now I’m empty, & back to square one. I’m hoping to get back on track. I don’t know where to start though. I need to take it one step at a time. Too many steps at once, & I’ll fall backwards again. I need guidance though. I haven’t seen many of my friends in a few months, so we haven’t been exchanging wisdom & advice. I just feel very directionless once again, with a sort of permanence about it lingering around. I hope I can find something to motivate & bring about the change I need in my life soon.
i read a novel by inio asano called solanin. i don’t usually read too much manga, but both novels of his that i’ve read have really impacted my heart very deeply.
i want to break out of this monotony that is my current life. i want to be able to dive in & enjoy myself to the fullest, with reckless abandon.
i’ve made it a point to obtain the blue fender mustang which the main character, taneda, plays (and later, his girlfriend, meiko). it’s a symbol of my resolve to start enjoying my life again, instead of dwelling of the ‘ifs’ & ‘buts’.
the two main characters reminded me of my relationship so much, i can see why my girlfriend brought that up when she read it first.
this is the first time someone has meant this much to me. it’s different from past relationships. i’m in the world of my own means, rather than the safety net of my parents’ home. it makes everything we do together that much more meaningful, knowing that it is of our own volition, that we are able to act freely in our spare time.
i say ‘spare time’ because i work so much. lately, i’ve been questioning why i do it at all. we both live at her mother’s house, & for free. in that sense, we are spoiled. perhaps i do it to keep myself disciplined. but i don’t save money either. most of the money between the two of us goes towards material items, which, i admit guiltily, i hold attachments to. that’s not to say i don’t enjoy just being in her presence. but i feel like my full-time job doesn’t give me enough time to spend with her during the week, & on the weekends, i’m too tired or broke from idly spending money throughout the week to do anything. most of our time together is spent in our room. i love those nights & days. i just want to keep things from becoming stagnant. i want there to be more for us.
us. and ours. i often wonder when things became ‘ours’. i guess when i started staying with her two months ago. she said something the other day about ‘our’ room. maybe it was a slip of the tongue. something inside me stirred, though. i felt a warmth that i had never felt before. i was now sharing my life with someone else, i realized. i looked at the room; the trinkets, the computer i had built, the tv i bought. these things were no longer mine, but ours. our clothes strewn across the floor. our pillows lining the bed. our bed that we sleep in. i made up a promise in my mind at that moment, that i would keep us happy as long as i possibly could.
i’m still trying hard to keep that promise. my resolve wavers & we fight sometimes. most of the time due to my insecurities. sometimes it’s real bad. it never lasts long though. we wake up in the morning, with the past behind us, & i’m happy that she is still here. i hope she feels the same way. i’m really trying to work on myself & not letting negative thoughts consume me. it’s difficult sometimes, but i can feel myself getting better, in little pieces.
but to wrap it all up, my life feels like it is once again desperately calling for change. i need more time to enjoy the little things around me, & the places i could be, the friends i barely make time for, & the eyes i don’t spend enough time gazing into. even right now, i’m typing this from the office walls i look at, 50 hours, in six days a week. i think i will start planning my resignation, & saving money so i can have some time off in between jobs.
but luckily, my shift is ending soon, & i get to take that sweet breath of relief the minute i walk in the door.